Lost Shakespearean Stage Directions

The Toast, my favorite comedy website, shuts its Internet doors on July 1. As a tribute, have some literary goofs.

Guess what, I found a new first folio of Shakespeare's plays, with one-of-a-kind penciled-in stage directions from the bard himself. This will change everything!

RICHARD III

Now is the winter of our discontent

made glorious summer by this son of York.

(pause for laughter)

(however long it takes)

*

PORTIA

(mansplaining)

The quality of mercy is not strained.

*

KENT

(whitely, adjusting glasses)

I thought the king had more affected the Duke of Albany than Cornwall.

*

MIRANDA

O brave new world,

That has such people in't!

("who farted?" face)

*

ANTONIO

(definitely gay)

My purse, my person, my extremest means

Lie all unlocked to your occasions.

*

HAMLET

(singsong)

O what a rogue and peasant slave am I!

*

JULIET

(played, remember, by a dude)

*

MACBETH

(from inside a barrel, due to losing a bet)

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow

*

RICHARD III

(keep pausing)

*

FALSTAFF
(the worst)

Yea, and so used it that were it not here apparent

that thou art heir apparent
(ugh)

*

BENEDICK

The savage bull may, but if ever the sensible Benedick bear it, pluck off the bull’s horns and set them in my forehead, and let me be vilely painted, and in such great letters as they write ‘Here is good horse to hire’ let them signify under my sign ‘Here you may see Benedick, the married man.'

(don't worry, Dave will ad-lib something better. Dave's hilarious)

*

PUCK

(Darth Vader voice)

I am that merry wanderer of the night. I jest to Oberon and make him smile When I a fat and bean-fed horse beguile, Neighing in likeness of a filly foal (khh-hhh)

*

ROSALIND

(CGI ghost)

(has been dead this whole time)

It is not the fashion to see the lady the epilogue; but it is no more unhandsome than to see the lord the prologue. * HAMLET (wearing a bee costume) How all occasions do inform against me And spur my dull revenge! What is a man (dawning realization)

*

FESTE

Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.

(mic drop)

("deal with it" sunglasses)

(saxophone solo)